I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
