My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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