No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
