We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
