So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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