i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
