well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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