I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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