sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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