I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
