Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
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Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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