Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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