I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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