Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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