She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
