A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
