It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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