bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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