i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
