You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
