I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
