I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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