we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
