woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
