I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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