Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
