i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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