Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
