Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
