The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
