The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
