my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
