I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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