Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
