I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
