I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
