Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
