i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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