Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
