I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
