Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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