Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
