i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
