you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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