i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
