I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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