I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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