I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
