is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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