remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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