apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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