If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
