And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
