my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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