I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
