you would pick up someone in the library
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
