its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's always time for handjobs
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
